May is a crazy time of year for many of us. If you work in education, you are most likely counting down the days until the school year ends. If you work in higher ed, maybe you are counting down to your summer schedule. Maybe your countdown revolves around an anniversary date, a holiday, or birthday.
My mom will celebrate another heavenly Mother’s Day and birthday this year.
There is so much she is not here in her Earthy body for this May and it sometimes takes my breath away, with tears welling up in my eyes.
May 12-Mother’s Day. Started by a motherless daughter, Anna Jarvis, in Philadelphia in 1908, it was meant to be a way to honor mothers who have died. This day became Mother’s Day as we know it–complete with the Hallmark cards, flowers, and pressures of finding the perfect gift or creating the perfect breakfast in bed for mom. So, if you are a motherless daughter like myself, what do you do to honor your lost loved one?
- Keep a framed photo of her in a high-traffic area of your house. We have photos of my mom and my beloved mother-in-law all throughout our living room. I keep two pictures of my mom in my office at work. I feel that I have a few points of contact with her in two of my most busiest places.
- Keep her favorite flower in the house on special occasions, or all the time. Mary White loved a good hanging basket and would always love a trip to pick out flowers for the yard. I don’t have a green thumb, but I do have two plants from her funeral and one from my mother-in-laws.
- Understand your grieving brain. Boy, does this hit home. There are times when I hear a song, say a word, or think of something my mom said or did and there are sometimes tears but now there are laughs. Just the other day I text my brother, “I’ll just do what mom did and stay in the bathroom” (she was not a fan of severe weather or storms).
- Understand that navigating the loss is like a huge puzzle. There will be pieces that you are missing, it will hurt, but you learn to lean on the ones who can support you and love on you just like your mom may have done.
I learned through this process that my mother did not have the best upbringing or childhood. She lost her own mother at a very pivotal age and lived with relatives. It is easy to remember the hard parts but it is also okay to acknowledge the positive. Here are a few of my favorite things about my Mama.
- She had the best laugh–like double over, your belly hurts laughing-laugh. Sometimes it was LOUD, and other times it came with a snort, a gasp, and sometimes tears (all good things).
- My mom loved fiercely. She was incredibly proud to be a mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. She often talked about all the “babies” and “kids” but she loved my dad and I truly believe he was one of the best things that happened to her.
- Mom loved a good road trip and “bite to eat.” Even when she monitored her food intake closely, even when she wasn’t suppose to have cake she would ask for a “sliver” or “just a bite” when my dad wasn’t looking.
- My mom LOVED movies. I think at one point she “hoarded” her movie money or gift cards because she wanted to enjoy an escape to another world, step in someone else’s shoes, and eat movie theatre popcorn (another favorite of hers). She was even known to sneak in food in her “mom purse” from time to time.
- My mom was a great cook. She was the queen of the kitchen and if she didn’t like how you were “helping,” she let you know real quick it was her way or…you get out of the kitchen.
We never stop missing our moms. This is a measure of the love that remains. I’ve met others who have lost their mothers, some at an early age and some later in life, and I think we can all agree, there’s a void that can never be replaced, but you just never stop missing mom. Even when you feel bad with a cold, you want your mom to call and check on you. When your kids hit a milestone in school or life, you want to share that with the best grandma. When your daughter gets married, you want your mom there to share in that celebration, to go dress shopping, to be at the main event…the list could go on.
May 14-Mom’s Birthday. There are years where Mother’s Day and Mom’s birthday fell on the same day. She had a standard rule: two cards. One had to be for her birthday and one had to be for Mother’s Day. There was no combining the two. If you felt cheeky, you’d get a cat card (mom HATED cats)–and that cat card usually fell to my brother.
Things you can do to honor your loved one on their birthday:
- Light a candle and remember good times shared (not just for their birthday but good memories).
- Write your lost loved one a letter. Oh mom, it would be pages and pages, but there’s so much to tell you.
- Make a donation in their memory. My mother had Hospice care for a short time but the impact they had on her last days and for our family will forever be remembered, we are forever grateful.
- Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Some struggle with the fact that their loved one will not celebrate another birthday, but I tend to look at it differently: mom is having the biggest and best party with those who have gone before her and she is loving every minute.
- Eat or have a special food that reminds you of your loved one. This would be tough because Momma loved all kinds of food, she liked to try new restaurants and when she and my dad retired, they took road trips to eat. She kept a notebook and sometimes the bad experiences “made the list.” Mary was the O.G. Restaurant Report Card.
Will all of these ideas or suggestions work for everyone? Absolutely not. I know there are people with strained relationships with their mothers, people who are not on speaking terms with mothers, and those who are grieving because they are not a mother. Here’s what I know about those things: there have been some amazing people “mother” me since my mom died. The countless people who reached out to me, who continue to check in and who have kept me going.
There are teachers, coworkers, friends, neighbors, people who comforted us, people who listened. I surely would not be the woman I am today with out so many influences of mother-like people and friends in my life. I see my mother in a way I never did now that she is no longer on this Earth and I know the sacrifices and the heartache she went through for so many years.
So you may want to cry, you may want to be alone, and some of you will long to be in the company of others. Some may go visit the cemetery, some may go for a run. Whatever you choose, please know, I am sending you love, regardless of your status as missing your mom, missing your baby in heaven, or just missing your family in general. I see you. I know the hurt. I know the pain.
There’s no easy solution on grief, or holidays without loved ones. With all the sharing on social media it is sometimes hard to avoid what you see, and easier to remember what you’ve lost. And let me tell you. It. Sucks. So. Bad.
I wanted to hold onto my mom forever. I wanted her to see Kirsten walk down the aisle in 15 days. I wanted her to see me get hooded and graduate with my doctorate. I wanted her to have more time with my dad. All of that seems selfish knowing the suffering she was experiencing and I take some comfort in knowing that no longer exists for her–she’s pain free with a clear memory and ALL THE STORIES.
The first Sunday in May is International Bereaved Mother’s Day which honors those mothers who have lost a child. It is not a fun club to be in, just like being motherless without your own mom. For those who have gone through that tremendous loss, I am sending you so much love.
To my own Mama in heaven, behave yourself. Keep an eye on all of us and please, please, keep sending us those little moments (redbirds, rainbows, good signs). You are most loved and terribly missed.
I have so many pictures of my mama and me but this one remains a favorite. It also is a core memory of breaking her out of “Bounce Back” so she could have a Thanksgiving with us at home.