Most of All

I miss my mother.

That seems odd to type, let alone say as she is still with us.

Over the last few years I, along with others, have watched her health decline. Most recently, over the past few months, it seems as if she is declining rapidly.

My mother has been diagnosed with dementia and Parkinson’s. I shudder at those two words. I tear up, and I get angry. My mother, who never liked to miss a trip, was always up for a good meal out, my mother who loaded up and took my big kids to all sorts of places–she’s just struggling. It hurts.

I miss being able to call my mom daily and converse with her. I would tell her about my day, and she would ask about my kids. Now those calls go to my dad. He’s not much of a phone talker, but I ask questions like, “How is mom today?” or “Did Mom have a good night?”

Don’t get me wrong, there are good days. Excellent days. Most recently our daughter became engaged. She took her fiance by to see the grandparents. My mom was in good spirits but was having trouble remembering Kirsten’s fiance, Bruce. When they were introduced, she looked at Kirsten and proclaimed, “he’s a hunk!!”

Usually, I turn to write as a way to cope or express thoughts. Sometimes it is hard to get time to sit and type, so I will listen to music. Many of you know I just love Brandi Carlile (and the twins). We saw her in concert this summer and I was really hoping to hear a particular song that hits home. I feel this to my core some days. Alas, she and the twins did not sing this one, but “Most of All” is one of my favorites. Some days I can listen and belt it out (in my car, thankfully), and some days I can barely get through it without tears.

“I haven’t heard my mother’s voice in a while, but her words are always falling out my mouth.”

As a parent, you never want to see your children hurt. As a daughter, well, the same is true. You never want to see your parents hurt, struggle, or go through an illness.

“And when I’m turned out in the darkness, and the pushing comes to shove, to remember what comes back when you give away your love.”

Every day is a new or different day. We have a choice when we wake up. How we start the day can make all the difference. Every day I pray for my parents. I pray that my dad’s strength does not falter, and I pray that my mom has a good day.

But most of all, I pray for more time together.

Take the picture, make the memories, because one day that might be all you have.