Fear

This word, fear, is one that has been stuck in my mind since February. Why? I am fearful of being hospitalized for the rest of my pregnancy.

Fear is sometimes defined as a loss of courage or an unpleasant, strong emotion sometimes caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.

I don’t think I am in grave danger, but I do have some anxiety about my pregnancy. (Age, diagnoses, it has been a minute since I have had to prepare for childbirth)

I try to maintain a positive attitude, try to stay upbeat, eat healthy, take care of myself and baby, but with the diagnosis of chronic hypertension and superimposed preeclampsia, it is hard to stay calm.

There have been days my blood pressure has been very high, days it has been low, days where a headache lingered and meant a call to the doctor or a trip to the hospital.

Today we will travel to St. Louis for a check up at Barnes with the fabulous doctors of Washington University. I have been monitoring my blood pressure since I was released from Barnes back in February. I have been taking medications to help with the blood pressure and headaches, and I have been keeping an eye on my symptoms, noting how I am feeling with the assistance of an app (isn’t there an app for everything now?).

But, I still have a fear. I have an emergency bag packed for today “just in case” and we have talked with the kids about the possibility of mom needing some time in the hospital to get things right and prepare for baby H.

It is hard to think about it, it is hard to prepare for, but I think we have done the best we can. The kids will be in good hands today while we are away and that is so comforting.

So, today, if you have some time, could you send some well-wishes, prayers, and good vibes our way? I know it may sound silly, but it sure would help ease some nerves and make the fear and worry of a hospital stay go away.