Toxic.

With the start of a new year, some go through a detox, a purge, a cleanse, or simply work on removing things that might not be good…things that might be toxic, one may say.

Let’s be real honest for a hot minute. No one is perfect. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have said that. We don’t have to be perfect, we just need to be present. At one point in our lives, we’ve all probably made a stupid decision *raising hand high*, but the good thing about a new year is a fresh start, a clean slate. The same can be said for a new semester, a new job, a new relationship, etc.

When there’s something toxic, or a toxic person in your life, it seems that there is also a lot of hurt and pain. I can tell you from personal experience that removing that toxicity from your life can make a huge difference.

If you have been in a position where you’ve been placed with toxic people, changes are that you have been the one to make changes, the one to bend over backwards, the one to make it work.

Stop. Just stop that.

As I mentioned, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We can all learn from those mistakes. So, how do you spot something or someone who is toxic?

1. Control

With control, there is little room for you to be yourself. Nobody should have to ask for permission or be heavily directed or influeneced on what to wear, what to say, or how to spend your money. The way you do you is for you to decide, not someone else.

We all have influenced and beautiful minds. Don’t cage that or change that for someone because they can’t appreciate you for who you really are.

2. Take

If you are a taker, you are the one doing all the giving and the toxic person will be doing all the taking. Think about your relationships. What do you get from them? If it is nothing, it might be time to question or change the relationship. I know I have had to evaluate and think about this. It is hard, we don’t like change, but sometimes change is for the best.

Give your energy and time to the people who deserve it, most importantly, give your energy and time to yourself too.

3. Absent

If someone is absent from your life they are the ones who might be spreading those toxic vibes. The one who doesn’t return phone calls The one who is never available unless it fits their schedule? The one who wants you to do all the work and do some guess work too…not worth it. Sometimes I need a break, and yes, sometimes I might miss a call, but I will try to return it and a text, almost as soon as I can.

If you are constantly wondering if someone is okay, if someone got your message, or if you did something to upset them, you are putting in a lot of work. Take some time to make yourself present in situations that you want to be in, not situations that you are guessing about.

4. Change

If I have learned anything about being in relationships with friends, family, and even my husband, it is that sometimes it is hard to make a change. Sometimes in our relationships we may feel that we are not good enough, not skinny enough, not funny enough, smart enough…you get the idea. This could be because those people you are surrounded by are constantly wanting to change themselves, but they would rather see someone else do it instead of themselves.

Take for example PTS (post-traumatic stress). A Veteran (let’s say my husband, for example), cannot just simply “get over” what happened on three combat tours. He lives each and every day with memories, flashbacks, moments of war, times of loss and times of high stress. That is on a daily basis, not just four or five days a week. That is hard for people to comprehend, especially if they have not had that experience. PTS does not just disappear or go away, it takes work to fight and battle it every single day.

So, when someone suggests, “why don’t you just change?” living with that stigma, living with those memories do require some change, a new way of processing or a new way of thinking, not a new way of completely forgetting that time in life, that deployment, those battle buddies.

People can process and learn to live with a change, but that does take time and sometime will require tough moments: therapy, medication, working through and processing, etc. People are not a channel on a TV, not a hairstyle, or clothes. You can’t change a person overnight, and you can’t expect someone who has had major life experiences to just be “okay” and just “get over it” rather quickly.

While we have worked hard to improve our relationships, friendships, and lifestyles, it is important to remember too that we may need to remove the bad and ugly, the toxic.

Being a human is complicated. I think about the humans I am raising and the one that will soon join our household. Are they good people? Are they open with their feelings? Are they honest? Do they show respect and love? Sadly, when we open ourselves up to the world, we sometimes open ourselves up to experiences that are ugly, toxic, and may cause some heartache. I suppose that is all part of this thing called life and learning.

A big game changer can be the people around you and the people you hold close. Let the people around you be worthy, be your posse, be your people, your tribe. When you find them, love them and appreciate them hard. Keep them close. Good people are what great lives can be made of. <3