For some reason, today I started thinking about the meaning of numbers and how we relate to them in terms of “days since” or “days until” to remember an event, a holiday, a birthday, or a loss.
It has been 175 days since we lost our baby.
Now, I know what you might be thinking, “that seems crazy, is she really keeping track or counting days?”
Not really. It comes in waves, and today is one of those days.
February 14 is etched in my mind now, not for Valentine’s day, but for the day we found out we were expecting and the night we lost that baby.
Hours.
WIthin hours we found out and suffered loss.
We are fortunate to have friends and family who have been supportive. I’ve been blessed in connecting with other mamas who have had this type of loss. Sometimes though, it feels like a bad dream.
I think my heart goes through the process of feeling whatever it needs whenever it wants. Maybe I am overly emotional getting ready for school to start (and all the feels that go with it), or maybe I am longing for a baby. I wonder if anything can replace that longing, to have a baby and experience all of this with Sam.
Each of us deals with loss in different ways. I feel that sometimes remember, thinking, that is the right way, only because I know it is helping me heal. I am a Mom. I have a heart that longs, a heart that gets heavy, and a heart that is full.
I think that Mothers may measure time a little differently, before, after, always? Before and after? There’s something about what we did in our lives before, when we thought we could not have children, and now after, when we cling to hope and know it is possible.
So, if you are faced with coping or dealing with loss, just remember:
- If you need your crying CD (and sometimes it is a good cry), you get it out and listen, or you make a crying playlist. Brandi Carlile brings tears even when I am not thinking about loss.
- Talking out loud or writing things down can help. I have done both of these. At first, I had to process, it was hard to get the words out “I miscarried” and I struggled. I needed to talk and I found a way.
- Remembering is okay. At first I felt weird for remembering how I felt, the time of day, weeks that had passed, etc. Counting the days is a way to remember. Reflect, in a sense. It helps make the process easier.
175 days. A lot has happened since that day in February. We’ve had good days, bad days, and moments of being hopeful, moments of being sad. The best part about it all is being surrounded by love. I think we can tackle anything with love.
