Every so often I read an article, blog, or news piece that is moving. This week I am going to share some of my findings through my own words and the original post (article, blog, etc.).
We all grieve differently. I have certainly learned that once we suffered a miscarriage. While scrolling through Facebook I saw an article titled “Unconventional Grief: Grieving Someone Alive” and it really struck me.
Have you ever grieved over someone living?
Then I began to wonder if I ever did just that…
Grieving someone alive is not a conventional form of grief that is often talked about. I think this is an issue though, grieving someone you haven’t lost. It seems we only grieve what we’ve lost, those we’ve lost, and that is usually because of death. I know I’ve certainly gone through periods of mourning and grieving over someone who has passed, but I’ve never really thought about the ones, the moments that one could grieve over someone living.
I learned, through reading, this is unconventional grief. And there are common causes of this type of grief:
- Mental Illness
- Drug Abuse
- Substance Abuse
- Dementia
- Alzheimer’s
- Brain Injury
- Family Trauma
After looking at that list, I started thinking…I’ve never known Sam without PTSD or a brain injury. I’ve known Sam post-war, during retirement phase, I’ve never known Sam pre-war, pre-military, the Sam before.
I don’t know that I grieve for that version of Sam, but I would imagine there are some caregivers who actually knew their spouse or significant other before the deployments, heck, maybe even before the enlistment…and I wonder “do they grieve for the person they knew before?”
I realize that Sam doesn’t look sick, or seem sick to most people. I wouldn’t even go so far to say that he’s sick, however, we don’t see the invisible wounds of war so easily. Perhaps there has been a dramatic shift in his personality after being in the military, and perhaps he is not the same Sam he was to his family, but that does not make me love him any less. I am curious, if anything, to learn about Sam pre-war. Before the tours to Iraq and Afghanistan. Before the roadside bombs. Before the IEDs, you know…before the trauma.
Every so often I get a glimpse, or a story, a memory, something crazy from high school years, a childhood memory, and in that short moment of time, there’s no PTSD that changes the dynamic of the story, there’s no situation that makes him anxious, he’s simply Sam.
I know those moments don’t always exist for military spouses and caregivers.
We experience many emotions as a military spouse, a military caregiver, or even parent/sibling of someone who has been in the military. Unfortunately, these emotions can be very overwhelming and powerful, which some relate to the grieving process of someone who has died. Perhaps there’s anger, maybe there’s a little bitterness, and there’s a hard time understanding why a person may not be able to change or may not enjoy things they once did…you know, like before the war.
Grieving someone alive may make an individual very sad, and just know that it is okay to grieve. Don’t attempt to hide feelings or push it aside, bottling up never helps anyone. Connect with others through a support group or an individual. There are a lot of folks out there doing great things for our veteran families. Don’t be afraid to connect. Remind yourself of the good times. I have so many incredible memories with Sam, that I often think to myself, “this is our life, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
I’ve opened myself up to change over these last few years. Some may call it adapting, others may call it surviving, but I know that one of the hardest parts of our life is sometimes the change. We may have to adapt plans, sit far away, stick to a specific schedule, keep an eye on people at all times (sometimes this happens when Memphis is with us), but that is okay. That is our life, that is our normal. We have a variety of experiences that are rewarding and we focus on making memories with our family.
Know that it is okay to grieve, but it is also okay to move forward and make new memories. Be open to change. Be loving…and most importantly, communicate.
Original link/article can be found here:
http://thebereavementacademy.com/unconventional-grief-grieving-someone-alive/
This is one of my favorite pictures of Sam and me…right after the very first Veteran Art Show: Weapons of Mass Creation. This is the Sam I know. Loving, caring, funny, down to earth, passionate about Veterans and helping others. <3