Heartbreak

When I start a post from my iPad, WordPress asks me to “share your story here,” which means type away.

In all honesty, over the past few days it has been very hard to share my story. I know that everyone has a different story, but sometimes after a blog post we hear of people who have a similar story to ours, or we hear how people can relate to us, our situation. I’m not sure if this story will do that, but if we are able to help someone else with our story, our journey, well, that is why we are here.

As many of you know, we have a home full of love, animals, and kids. In this home, we have three dogs, one of which you hear about quite often…and you all know that is Memphis. We have two children, 15 and 10, growing so fast and making their mark on the world. What some of you may not know is that they are not Sam’s children biologically. Sam is their step-father, and while that might seem like a label at times, it is not one that defines our family. Sam is simply just Sam to the kids. A guy who helps with homework, tells jokes, loves movies and popcorn, cooks dinner, tucks them in at night, says “I love you” and loves them as if they were his own.

When blended families come together, some families want to have more children. Sure, that thought crossed our minds, but truth be told, we thought it wasn’t possible for our family to grow. We didn’t think we could have children of our own. We talked about adoption, one day, and we dreamed what it would be like if Sam and I could have kids. It seemed unbelievable that we could have children of our own.

Wednesday, Valentine’s Day, started out like any other day, except I wasn’t feeling like myself. I felt sick, tired, and just very uncomfortable. The pain and intensity of feeling sick increased. I called Sam in tears. I had not felt this way in ages, or ever, as far as I could remember. I was scared. I scared Sam. He came home immediately and we headed to the ER.

And we waited.

Once we were in the actual ER and out of the waiting room full of folks waiting and wearing masks, we waited a little more. When I described symptoms and talked to the doctor the testing began. Blood draws, questions, ultrasounds.

And then the most shocking and surprising news we have ever received as a couple came out of the doctor’s mouth, “you are expecting.” I thought he was joking or lying. Seriously. When I say shock, I mean shock. I could have been knocked out of the bed with a feather. To think you could never have children, never experience this moment, wonder if you are dreaming, losing your mind, maybe even being pranked, and then to be told again, “you are pregnant.”

Joy, happiness, excitement, nervousness, delight, bliss.

All the good emotions.

And then, just hours later, total devastation, shattering news…loss. Heartbreak.

We lost the baby within hours of finding out that we were expecting a baby.

Loss, anger, sadness, despair, grief…our hearts were shattered, are still shattered.

We are heartbroken.

While this is very personal to share, it is also part of our journey, which we share here with all of you. This loss impacts our entire family. This loss hurts. We are optimistic, that in this whole process of events there is a silver lining. A possibility that we thought never existed before. We are hopeful that our family can grow and we can be blessed with another child.

Since Wednesday I have been in a blur. My mind races non-stop. I am forever grateful to friends who have reached out, who have listened, cried with me, checked on me, even shared books, podcasts and movies with me. I’m suppose to take it easy, rest, relax. Taking it easy is sometimes hard for me to do, but I know I have to do this. While it is not easy, I know that I am not alone.

Thank you for praying for us. For sending well-wishes our way. Thank you for the good vibes, long-distance hugs, text messages, Marco Polo messages, and for supporting us. This was not something we planned, expected, but life is funny like that. You get moments that take your breath away and break your heart, sometimes not all in the same day, but life happens. We are in this together. We know that we are not alone.

We still need those good vibes, well-wishes, and prayers if you’ve got ’em.

Our sweet family last spring at a SIU baseball game. I can’t imagine this life without these amazing people right here. I am thankful for them every single day.