Have you ever wondered what it is like to live with PTSD, depression, anxiety, or mental illness? Did you ever wonder what some of the emotions/feelings people go through are? Maybe you wonder why some people (people you may even know) are distant…
There are symptoms, feelings, side effects, and thoughts that go along with mental health that are sometimes not discussed, but they need to be addressed—feelings. All of them…or maybe most of them.
Disassociation—a thought, emotion, separating from everything around you on a drive, let’s say a drive from work, and the reason you know what is going on or where you are going is because it is routine, something you may do at least five days a week. You may know or realize you are out of it, but you might not be sure why or how long you’ve been out of it. I’ve watched Sam dissociate a few times. He’s with us, but he’s not with us (if that makes any sense). His mind is elsewhere. It could be focused on work, focused on something that happened in the military, or a deployment. I might have to ask him a few questions to “bring him back,” but he drifts from time to time.
Aggression—an intimidating thing, aggression can creep out when someone might be frustrated, feeling as if they are not heard, and it is also a confrontational experience that someone may not understand. Maybe facial expressions, tone of voice are different, but don’t be afraid or run away, it might just be really challenging for someone to express themselves at that particular moment. I’ve never really witnessed aggression with Sam (unless we are running late and he’s driving a little fast with his lead foot and there’s small glimpses of what I would call road rage), but I’ve never witnessed him yell or become aggressive. Sure he might have a facial expression or body movement (because sometimes body language is a giveaway) that makes it known he’s annoyed. Memphis can sense the anxiousness or the change in body language/movements and also in his voice. He can immediately calm Sam down with a tap or nudge.
Exhaustion—being exhausted daily is well, exhausting. Fighting intrusive thoughts, triggers, memories, anger, rage, sadness—those creep in at moments throughout the day for some who are battling mental illness. It is a battle day in and day out—then there’s night. Maybe the night is sleepless, full of nightmares, and very hard to rest. It can be hard to function during the day. Can I get an “amen” for naps? Sam can become so exhausted that he just wants a nap during the day–a nap to get some much needed relief. Yes, we take naps. We have our own blankets and spots (Sam prefers the couch, I prefer the recliner). I can see the exhaustion in Sam’s eyes some days because I know his mind is always racing, always going. I also know that he’s constantly battling various emotions from triggers at work, intrusive thoughts, and he’s always longing for a good night’s sleep.
Mood swings, emotions, and physical symptoms—be cautious that those who are battling mental illness may have ups and downs, there might be tears, there might be sickness (upset stomach, pain). It is okay to have tears, it is okay to not feel well, but those feelings might be prolonged for someone with a mental illness. Providing a listening ear and some comfort during these moments can be helpful. I know Sam has a health history, but I also know that his body gets really worn easily. He fights chronic back pain from being blasted from a vehicle during deployments (yes, that’s a “s” there because he’s been blown up, rattled around, more times than he’d like). Once you have been hit by an IED (more than once), your body doesn’t quite work the same as before. There are days where he physically can’t get out of bed without assistance, days he needs a cane, and days where I wonder if he will be able to make it though the day without terrible pain.
Racing thoughts, loss of interest in things you use to enjoy—the mind cannot stop at times for someone who might be suffering from anxiety and it may be hard for the mind to slow down, taking time to stop, refocus and make your mind think of something else can be helpful, but can also be challenging. It can be so exhausting that someone may even lose interest in things they once enjoyed…It took Sam a long time to feel comfortable out in public. Our very first date was absolutely nerve wracking for him because we went to a concert (Thank you, Jake Owen) and we were surrounded by a lot of people. Sam later commented that if he would have looked behind him (because we had pretty good seats) he would have had a panic attack. He couldn’t look behind him or around him because he would have felt trapped. I had no clue. None. Not one ounce of emotion showed that he was anxious or worried being in a large crowd. Let’s just say that Sam was super good at wearing a mask. Now I am aware of that feeling he has and know that sometimes concerts (while we love them) aren’t always a great option.
Rebuilding relationships and passions—getting back into your favorite hobby, getting out and about more often, visiting with friends, reconnecting with someone that has been avoided or pushed away can sometimes make a huge difference too. Some people tend to go into isolation for fear that they are better off without others, but working with someone to reconnect is good—having someone to talk to (or listen to) is good. Sam’s hobby is woodworking, and he is good at it–he’s custom built a dog kennel for our smaller dogs, made bags sets, and he’s got some other projects lined up. He loves to be outdoors–he’s thrilled to own a camper and he loves to travel. Those things, some of his favorites, keep him going and also keep him motivated to keep going.
Losing motivation—lack of motivation sometimes happens (especially in our house). There have been days when the words “I have no motivation to do anything” have come out a lot in the past few weeks because we have been so.busy. I mean there are days the alarm goes off and we just lay in bed, pretending we didn’t hear it, or we hit snooze until we realize we’ve got to get out of bed. It is because we are constantly on the go that we end up becoming so exhausted we can’t hardly keep going. Loss of motivation. Lack of sleep. But, we stay focused on one another and our family. That is great motivation, and the support we have for one another keeps us going, even on days where snooze seems like the best option.
So, there you have it. Feelings. All of them (well, some of them). We try our best to navigate our lives with all of these feelings. We work hard to keep going. As Sam has said, it takes a team. Two hearts and two heads are much better than one.
The photo on the left is the day I defended my master’s thesis. Sam brought Memphis in for the defense. He was such a great cheerleader and motivator through the writing process. The photo on the right is from that first date, Jake Owen. We had a great time, despite a lot of anxiety and overwhelming moments in a crowd.