Maybe you’ve heard the phrase, “are you taking care of yourself?” or “you need to have some time on your own.” Maybe you know you need a break, but it is really hard to just take some time and step away from everyone, including a loved one who has PTSD.
There’s no known cure for PTSD. Sam was diagnosed with PTSD in 2009. He fought the diagnosis, refusing to listen, believe…and then he realized that things were a little different for him now that he was home from a war zone. He tried to start over three different times–starting and stopping school, jobs, work…three times. It wasn’t easy, it still has difficult moments.
Supporting a partner with PTSD can be difficult. Things that work for our family may not work for others, or an individual. It is important to know that you are not alone. Life does get hectic and stressful. There are ways to manage PTSD, and there are ways to cope with living and loving someone with PTSD. If you are struggling, I urge you to seek help: there are support groups online, Facebook groups, and people who care.
A few things to remember….
Healing takes time. Recovering from deployments does not happen overnight. Living with PTSD doesn’t change overnight. If your spouse or partner suffers from PTSD it could be and can be a long road to healing. Don’t assume that your loved one likes being depressed or upset. Don’t think your loved one wishes for one minute that life wasn’t different. Please try to be understanding. Know when to give space, when to love and listen, and when to reach out.
You can’t assume you can do it all. I don’t think Sam expects me to do everything around the house, but there are times (and I admit this) I just want to do it all myself. Sometimes I don’t get to check everything off my list and that’s okay. Some days the laundry doesn’t get done…that’s okay. One of my favorite things about being married to Sam is that I really do feel like we are a team. We always tell one another that we make a good team. He knows when I need a break, need some help, or just need “me time,” and I know when he needs a break, help, or “Sam time.”
Writing does help…I’m not just saying that. Just because I write doesn’t mean that writing will help for everyone. One of the biggest things that has helped me throughout this experience with PTSD is journaling. Long before blogging and Facebook status updates there were these things called diaries and journals. Getting words out on paper is sometimes easier than having a conversation with someone. Your thoughts may swirl around in your head, but getting them out: words, memories, thoughts…that can be a good thing.
Do things mindfully. Try not to let your mind linger on thoughts that cannot be turned off. For some, this happens right before bed. Trust me, I know. I worry. Tea drinking, coffee drinking, journaling, blogging, yoga–those are ways to make me relax and focus on being mindful. Find happiness in new places or things (routines, small things)…flowers, leggings, coffee–whatever your happy place is (the beach), go to there (remember Liz Lemon?).
Learn to say NO. Boy, is this a challenge. Understanding your limits is so important. At times I catch myself saying, “maybe,” or “let me check my schedule,” but in my head there’s a loud voice shouting “NO!” I am a planner–I have to plan things but sometimes life happens. I do enjoy taking spur of the moment road trips, dinner dates, but sometimes my plate gets too full with folks asking or wanting me to help/do something. Remember, you don’t have to do it all, and your “yes” may need to turn into a “no.”
Stop comparing yourself and your loved one. Take off your happy mask (if you need) and let everyone see the real you. Try not to compare yourself to others–open your mind to new goals, dreams, and ideas. PTSD does not have the same effect on everyone, therefore, what Sam may experience with PTSD is not the same for others. We can’t compare how others seem, how others act. Maybe you wear a happy mask because you want to hide how miserable you really feel. Open your mind to creating something new, something just for you or your family.
Accept offers of help. Just because you need help or a little assistance does not mean that you are defeated. You are so capable, you are strong enough, and to let you in on a little secret…we all need help from time to time. At times, I forget my limits, and I want to do it all, but as I said before there are times when you realize you might need a little help, or you may need to ask for it. Try phrasing your words a little differently—this can be huge with communication—“It would mean so much to me if ________.”
Communicate. Open communication is so important. So important. Sam and I talk about everything. One of my favorite things is to hear about his day. Good or bad, I want to know how his day was (or is going). We chat throughout the day by text message, and sometimes we even get to have little lunch dates or coffee dates. Those small moments mean so much. We both have to heal from various things, PTSD is no different. Don’t let the words “you never told me” enter your vocabulary.
Focus on the now. Big dreams are okay, but don’t get caught up in the future or planning every single detail. Live in the now. PTSD is a mixture of good days, bad days, okay days, and really awesome and really bad days. It can affect our whole family. Stressing out over things we cannot control can be one of those bad/really bad days. Make an effort to enjoy those good days and really awesome days, and learn to accept that some days are going to be bad or okay. Remember: this too shall pass.
Support your loved one. Sam has often told me that I am the light in what was a very dark world for him. At times, I’m not sure what to make of that. I don’t see myself as this really great person. We share the responsibility, I help him carry the load. I encourage him. We communicate, and sometimes I realize that I just need to listen. Hugs are pretty awesome too. At times I think I am Sam’s biggest cheerleader, and I know he is mine.
For some caregivers, the trauma lingers and you may be unable to stop thinking so much about the pain and suffering. Taking care of others instead of yourself can be a challenge. There will be good days and bad days, but leaning on one another can help. Talking to one another helps. Realizing that sometimes you may just need to listen–that is huge.
Sometimes you have to remember this (something I read in a friend’s blog): stop. breathe. smile.
This is a photo of Sam and me at the This Able Veteran Really Close to Almost 5K Color Run in Marion last weekend.