About two years ago I was asked, “what’s it like to live with and love someone with PTSD?”
I’d never been asked that question before, so it took some time to process. What did I feel comfortable sharing? What did I really know?
So, I thought about it and realized that I do know things about PTSD. I know that PTSD does not affect all veterans, but it does affect some and those who are affected don’t have the same symptoms or same experiences that others do.
Sam suffers from PTSD, TBI, chronic back pain, and moral injury. At times he suffers panic attacks. He gets migraines and if he’s not careful his back could lock up causing him immense pain and rendering him immobile for some time. When he doesn’t take medication he can have trouble sleeping and trouble with back pain.
Every day is a battle. Sam wakes up and faces down demons that creep in and make him question if going to work is a good thing, he manages anxiety every single day, he works in an environment in which he could be triggered from a simple conversation. Memories of war can come in throughout the day, not to mention when an anniversary date rolls around he may remember a certain mission or when a soldier was lost. Sam can be easily startled, he may feel on edge, he has trouble sleeping (even with medication), and there’s always a chance of an intrusive memory at night that will cause a nightmare. All of that can be compounded with life in general.
There are mornings (because of Sam’s memory) that we will recap what is going on, or what will happen during the day. I feel like I am nagging at times, “what’s your schedule like today? or “have you had any medicine yet?” and “did you pack your lunch?” plus “can you take the trash out?” (although that doesn’t happen every day), but there are sometimes a series of questions in addition to leaving for work. I make sure he has everything he needs for work (his bag, Memphis’ leash, treats) and make sure he always has his phone.
A few years ago I read a letter from a military wife to PTSD. Yes, you read that correctly…she wrote a letter to PTSD.
Before you came into my life, I had heard rumors. Back then, no one really spoke about you unless it was in hushed whispers. No one knew for sure what you looked like–but I heard you did unspeakable things…that you crept into bed with husbands and seduced them away from their unsuspecting wives. I also heard that you drank. A lot. I heard sometimes you could be two places at once–physically in one place but mentally elsewhere. It was also said that you were a liar, home wrecker, careless, and violent…that sometimes you would take your mounting anger out on walls or whatever or whomever happened to get in your way. You left shattered picture frames and broken memories in your wake. There have been songs written about you…yet they don’t even begin to do justice to just how evil you are. In fact, there has been lot of talk of you being a murderer. I can’t say that I’m surprised. I wouldn’t put it past you. I believed those rumors and I certainly never invited you into my life.
I encourage you to read through Heather Goble’s, a Navy spouse of nine years, letter to PTSD. If you have a loved one who suffers from PTSD, or you just don’t understand what it might be to live with PTSD, read this letter. I know for one, this military spouse will never give up the fight against PTSD. We’re armed and ready with tools to cope, heal, and love.
http://www.businessinsider.com/dear-ptsd-letter-from-a-military-wife-2012-7
I swore for a 20 or more that PTSD was a lie that snowflakes made up and used it when life got rough. I was diagnosed with PTSD 3 years ago and when the doctor told me I was furious. I told her that I wasn’t one of “those people”. Mrs. Hoekstra what you have written could have been written by my wife or by the thousands of other spouses, mothers, fathers, children, siblings, girlfriends or boyfriends dealing with this. I hate saying the name because I hate giving it any more power than it already has. It stole the childhood away from my children, nearly ripped a 25 year marriage apart and almost cost me my life. I once had someone tell me that when it comes to PTSD “we’re all in the same boat”. Nothing could be further from the truth. We’re all in the same storm but definitely NOT in the same boat.