10 Things a Combat Veteran Wants You to Know

Today’s post comes from http://www.military.com/, in a feature that was ran in 2012. Dated? A little. Important? I think so.

So many combat veterans struggle with the reintegration into the civilian world after a life changing experience like deployment. At times it seems that only listening is key–and sometimes the combat veteran wants to share things they wish their families knew about their time in the military. Not all veterans have these reactions, but some of these concerns were shared with a psychiatrist, and thus they were put into a guest blog on military.com’s website. I read this post (via Facebook) because it was a memory that Sam shared on his timeline…

While some of these were hard to read, I decided to tweak some of these that seem important to share.

1. The Veteran is addicted to war, although they love you. War is such a horrible thing, but there’s nothing like life and death moments that can truly make one feel alive. There’s a tremendous adrenaline rush like no other, and being in combat can define a warrior by making them part of a brother or sisterhood that many civilians will not be able to understand.
2. Living for family is hard. It would be easy for a veteran to die for you (think spouse, significant other) because he loves you…living for you, which is actually what one may want, is very hard for the veteran. If a loved one or significant other is smart, the veteran may feel as if the loved one or significant other does not need rescued, since rescuing is part of the veteran. The veteran may feel as if they aren’t needed at all.
3. A veteran knows the military exists for a reason. Warriors experience moments of guilt, shame, and self-hatred…demons that may rise every day. While some of these moments will never leave the veteran, it is important to realize that some veterans may not be proud of their service. The emotions of killing in combat are extremely complex, and sometimes expressing those feelings may be incredibly difficult.
4. A veteran may have had to cultivate explosive anger. In order to survive during combat, there may have been times of explosive anger, outbursts, and triggers…realize that those are things you as the spouse or significant other may not understand from time to time.
5. A veteran may have been very young when making a life or death decision. Think about the first time you made a life changing decision…how old were you? Did you have the ability to think the entire process through with time, or were you pressured because time was not on your side? A veteran put experiencing this in these words, “You want to know what frightening is? It’s a nineteen year old boy who’s had a sip of that power over life and death that war gives you.”
6. Veterans may believe they are the only ones who feel this way…and at times, may not realize there are other combat veterans, or veterans who may understand these feelings of anger, depression, guilt, remorse, sadness, a longing to return to war. On some level, veterans may not want their loved ones to understand these expereinces because that could mean the absolute worst, deepest, darkest moment of war was exposed…maybe the veteran just wants to maintain some innocence.
7. Attachment could be an issue for some veterans. Sometimes veterans lose the ones they love–brothers and sisters in arms, family members, spouses..and that pain is too much to bear or experience again. This could also possibly result in trust issues and some commitment issues because of the lack of trust and fear of being hurt. Try to be open and listen to veterans if they are willing to share their story with you. Their voices need to be heard, and sometimes all they need is a listening, non-judgmental ear.
8. Mama Bear can come out in anyone…meaning if it came down to it, some of us could kill in defense of someone if we needed to. Imagine a reaction if someone pointed a weapon at your child. Would it change your reaction if a child pointed a weapon at your child or you? Think about the defensive techniques a veteran may have and realize that there could be moments of feeling the same way about situations.
9. A phrase, “the training kicks in,” may mean something different to a veteran…because this is sometimes a battle doctrine, veterans may also know, “apply maximum firepower and break contact.” A warrior must respond to any type of threat, and sometimes this is not helpful (the response) in the civilian world. Sometimes reactions may not be what we think they should…and for a veteran reintegrating into the civilian world, they might still be in “combat” or “military” mode (meaning they are still operating as if they are deployed).
10. Try to give your veteran the benefit of the doubt when you cannot understand the experience. For me, I know I will never fully understand the expereinces that Sam has had during his three combat tours. I know there are things that are incredibly painful for him to talk about or even remember, but I also know that in time if he wants me to know those things, he will share them. The key for us has been communication. I know there are times when he just needs some quiet time, or a weekend to do woodworking. Veterans do not want their family members to be causalities of their war (meaning their war at home–the battle they may face every day).

While these are not exact from the original post, some of these are…and I have added what I feel is necessary to say about the statements based on how Sam and I have handled some of these situations. I am honored to be by Sam’s side as we take this journey of healing and processing trauma together.

My best friend. My rock. My world. I stand by this guy every day. I can’t imagine my life (and the kiddos) without him.