Today We Have a Fourteen Year Old…

January 25.

My birthday…I was 23, and I went into labor with my daughter…

5:59 a.m.—she was born. Welcome to the world, Kirsten!

Did I ever think that my daughter would be my “not-so-mini-me?” Maybe. Did I ever think that she would grow into a kind, caring, loving, stubborn at times, beautiful girl? Absolutely.

When Sam met the kids, I was nervous. I wasn’t sure how they would react to him, or if they would like him…and that was a test…because we were a package deal, a team…and if we all couldn’t get along, well…

I’m not sure why I worried so much…maybe it was because for the five years prior to meeting Sam I had a big wall up, I was not going to let anyone or anything hurt my kids. I worked hard to make sure they were taken care of despite my crazy school and work schedule. I made sure they had time to have “movie nights” in my room when I know I fell asleep first. We took road trips when we could, spent time with my parents (probably some of the best grandparents…ever). For awhile it was just the three of us, and our dog, Archie.

Then we met Sam and Kip (Memphis was not in the picture at the time).

What you don’t really realize is that the stress, anxiety, and nervousness of PTSD can affect anyone around you. The kids had not been exposed to anyone in the military, and they didn’t know about post-traumatic-stress-disorder. I think sometimes that can transfer to secondary trauma, and we don’t realize that that anxiety or stress can “rub off” on someone you spend a lot of time with. We had some conversations about how sometimes Sam gets a little uncomfortable, and how we shouldn’t sneak up on him or scare him, crowds are not a good thing, and sometimes we just need to give Sam some space. Kids pick up on those things, they notice differences, and sometimes they are quiet about it, sometimes they are vocal or emotional.

I’ve referenced a family vacation that had some bumps. This is when the kids were exposed first hand to the stressors of PTSD. They didn’t understand why fireworks were not fun for Sam, or why he was quiet on the drive to the hotel. Kirsten was so confused, stressed, and upset, she cried. I cried. I think Caden was the only one to seem calm, but he had questions.

Have you ever had a moment (as a parent or an adult) when you couldn’t find words or explain a situation? Words failed me.

Kirsten wasn’t worried that we made Sam mad on that trip, she wasn’t worried that the fireworks were somewhat of an issue, she was afraid that Sam wouldn’t want to be around us. Sure, she was confused about why Sam was quiet and why he just sort of took off after the fireworks were over. But, she thought that we might have upset him or possibly even scared him away…

We had a long conversation about PTSD. Trying to explain that so it made sense to kids when at times it didn’t even make sense to me was challenging. We talked about how sometimes the military changes people…and how sometimes people are sad, angry, confused, uncomfortable, and quiet all at the same time.

Seth Kastle wrote a children’s book called Why is Dad So Mad? The moral of the story is that even Dad might be really mad or angry, he loves his family very much. Have the kids ever witnessed seeing Sam really mad or angry, no…but there might be families who struggle with this, and if you have young children, I encourage you to seek out this book (I bet you can even buy it on Amazon). Kastle is a Veteran who wrote the book to explain to his own children his struggles with PTSD.

There’s a graphic novel that is on my reading list (along with many other books) called The White Donkey by Maximillian Urate. Urate also created comic strips called “Terminal Lance” and created this graphic novel that explains (shows) the war that sometimes Hollywood avoids–if you have a teen or someone in your life that might be too old for the children’s book, I would suggest looking into this one. You can read a review on the Washington Post.

Kids are pretty resilient…and they pick up on things rather quickly—Kirsten noticed at times that things were different. She never really questioned why things couldn’t be normal at times…why we avoided crowded places, or why sometimes Sam just needed to be alone…but she wanted to know more about PTSD and a little bit about war.

Communication.

That’s how it works, folks. We talked (in small segments as to not to overwhelm her or Caden) about various topics. Curiosity is sort of natural with them as well, so we tried, to be honest and open, without being too graphic or too detailed…after all, they are kids.

So, today I look back on how things have changed for our family over the last few years…and I’m so proud. I’m proud of my kids, I’m proud of Kirsten for taking a big step and asking “what’s wrong” and wanting to find out and be supportive. I am sort of in denial that she is 14 today…but I’m proud of the young lady she is becoming.

Happy birthday, dear Kirsten. You are loved so very much!