You know the song, right? I have had that in my head for a few days. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some good days. Laughs and smiles, but there’s also some struggles. I know that time and comfort are healers, but it is hard right now. The loss feels painful.
While this experience is new, different, and very raw and real for us, I think it is important to understand (if you have been in our shoes, or know someone who has had a miscarriage as well) that it is okay to have a mourning period. This can last for awhile, and I’ve read comments and stories from women who still feel the sting of their loss.
Just a few of the emotions and feelings I have had:
Emptiness, anger, irritability, sadness, and of course, I’ve had tears.
There have been moments of happy tears though.
We all process events in our lives differently. This is true as I have shared how there are some Veterans who are processing trauma and some who are not.
I would go as far as to say we all process loss differently too.
I have found, over the past few days, there is nothing you can do to “rush” the mourning or healing process. Simplicity. Simple steps to take care of ourselves.
Here’s some raw and honest truth.
- We were afraid to break the news of the miscarriage. We were so incredibly fragile last Wednesday. I didn’t even know how to deal with or process my own reactions, let alone those of others. At first, Sam and I didn’t even know how to tell my Dad (he had the kids since I was in the ER). It was hard, and it was rough, but discussing this with ourselves was hard too.
- I apologized to Sam after we received the news that we lost the baby. We never imagined being able to have kids of our own, and I was just so sorry that we were experiencing this, I said: “I’m so sorry.” His reply, “don’t apologize for a thing.” Hearing that, at the moment, when tears were flowing was hard, but we also knew that we couldn’t blame ourselves. We are still hanging on to that–we can’t apologize for how we feel. The loss is profound.
- Telling the kids about the baby was so incredibly difficult. While we were still trying to process the news ourselves, we had to let the kids know why we were gone for so much of that night. All they knew is that something was going on with mom, her stomach was upset, she wasn’t feeling well, and it was a little scary so she went to the ER. They are 15 and 10. Mature, well-behaved, and sometimes older than they seem…that didn’t make breaking the news any easier.
- We talked about the future. Throughout his life, Sam has endured a loss in various ways (loss of soldiers, battle buddies, family members, you get the idea), and this loss is just as hard. I have thought “how much loss can he endure?” and we know now that we could possibly have more children. That gives us hope. We are holding onto hope.
- It is okay to have feelings. I’ve cried a lot over the last few days. A.LOT. At first, it was just thinking about this whole process and wondering “why?” Then there were moments because I was feeling so terrible that I cried because I just wanted to feel better. And then it would be a song, a commercial, or something that triggered tears. Pictures of babies in the doctor’s office. Pictures of babies on Facebook. It is painful. I know it will get better, but right now it stings.
- We have amazing friends and family. Last Thursday was rough. My dad brought us homemade lasagna, a fresh salad, and some bread. While I wasn’t super hungry (not much of an appetite), that simple gesture brought me to tears and made my heart swell. He has been wonderful (even had dinner for us last night). We’ve had friends connect with us via Facebook, Facebook messenger, text, phone calls, and even had a few friends visit. It has been okay to be raw and real in front of them (a few tears), hugs, and the company has been nice. I’ve been home since last Wednesday. I’ve had a few moments of getting out of the house by dropping off and picking up the kids, a quick trip to Walmart, and it has helped me heal by taking time to relax.
- We have each other. I can’t imagine this life without Sam and our kids (and the dogs). My day-to-day responsibilities have been lightened, and Sam has stepped right in, no questions asked. He’s helped with cooking and cleaning. He let me take naps, he let me cry, basically he’s been amazing. I’m so glad we had time together (he was off work for a few days). I think that has also helped us on our path to healing.
We have a lot to be thankful for, especially during this process. We have a lot of people that we could thank, and just know, we love and appreciate all of the kind words, warm thoughts, well wishes, and prayers that have come our way. We are so grateful.
And for those of you who have shared your stories with me…thank you. All of these things, they have helped mend my heart, and I am so thankful to be connected to all of you. Knowing that we aren’t alone has made such an impact.
I think we are working on mending our broken hearts…it might just take a little time.
We had to capture our smiles. It seems like it has been ages since we have been able to have a smile on our face. This was taken Wednesday night at my parent’s house…so thankful for all the love. <3